This is quite possibly the most horrific conversation I have ever taken part in. In fact, I was the star of this conversation. Completely by accident, but I just wouldn’t shut the hell up. Try to follow along and please don’t think any less of me. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if this post makes you think about me even more (*wink*).
Cast of characters:
Me – the clueless secretary
Kelly – a very experienced…ahem, non-secretary type (?)
Dr. W. – a quirky researcher/office director who enjoys a fun conversation
My desk. Near the front entrance of our office. The figurative “water cooler” since we don’t really have one.
Dr. W: I need to get the Little Bunny ready to take home. The matrix is so big, like 43,000 bits of information. Big Bunny takes too long to calculate it. Little Bunny does it much faster. In about 22 minutes.
Kelly: What’s the little bunny?
DW: Well, it’s the little one. The big one at home is just so slow. It takes 35 minutes to do what this little bunny can do in 22 minutes.
Me: Oooh! Oooh! I got a little bunny for myself this weekend. It’s my new boyfriend. I practically spent all my time with it!
Kelly: (There are no words coming from her mouth – just high pitched giggles. These, I learned, are the intro to her uncontrollable fits of laughter.)
DW: You, my dear, have said some strange things to me but that, by far, is the strangest thing ever.
Me: What? What did I say? Is there a problem with me talking about my new boyfriend?
Kelly: (Still no words, only howling and a quick wipe of a tear from her eye.)
DW: This is just weird.
Me: Yeah, it is! What is so darn funny??! Will someone tell me, please? Dr. W., you started it by talking about your Big Bunny and your Little Bunny and I’m the one who is saying strange things because I called mine my new boyfriend?
Kelly: (Nothing but howling laughter, tears, and oh my god…is she even breathing? Kelly? KELLY? Are you okay?)
DW: I’m going home now.
Me: This isn’t fair. Why am I the weirdo all of a sudden? Dr. W, you, of ALL people, should be appreciative of what is strange and weird. You’re the one who starts odd conversation with me everyday!
DW: Yeah, but even THIS is too weird for me. See you tomorrow.
Kelly: (Slump. She finally hit the floor and died from a lack of oxygen, probably from laughing so hard.)
Dr. W. went home with her Little Bunny. I sat at my desk, looking for someone to tell me what just happened. Suddenly, Kelly was miraculously brought back from the dead, even though she was still wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.
She whispered something to me and I couldn’t hear. I scooted closer in my little wheely office chair and caught most of what she was repeating to me.
Kelly: Pssst! Did you know there is a vibrator called a Bunny?
Me: WHAAAAAATT!!?????????????? OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!! And I was calling it my new boyfriend!?! OH GOD…THIS IS SO….OH MY GOD!
Kelly started laughing again. I turned a strange shade of red and green…I couldn’t decide if I should be embarrassed by what had just happened and what Dr. W. might have thought I was talking about OR if I should be disgusted that one of my directors (a woman in her 60s, maybe even 70s) could possibly know what a Bunny vibrator was.
Here it is, folks. In case you were wondering, too: