30-Day Song Challenge: Day 20

Day 20: A Song That You Listen to When You’re Angry – Ministry’s (Everyday is) Halloween

When I get angry it’s usually because someone has touched a nerve in me that I wish I had some control over.  In reality, I have control over all of it but my anxiety and lack of self-confidence constantly remind me that I rarely do things for myself and of myself.  For all the honesty I push onto others (taking responsibility for one’s actions or giving someone a brutally straightforward opinion, when asked), I’m still trying to exhume the real me.  She lived once, a long time ago, and it’s hard to unearth her now with all these layers of guilt, regret, frustration, aaah…life.  I’m breaking through, here and there, now and then.  It happens.  It will continue to happen. 

What the hell does this have to do with the 30-Day Song Challenge?  Here’s the lyrics:

Oh, why can’t I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that’s served?
why can’t they see they’re just like me?
it’s the same, it’s the same in the whole wide world

I know I can stand to remember these words more often.  When I see a person who has nothing to hide, on the outside or inside, I feel a twinge of jealousy.  Self-acceptance.  What is that?  Where is mine? There is nothing wrong with me that isn’t wrong with the majority of the population, yet I still feel like I’m the one who will stick out like a sore thumb if I bring attention to myself by simply being myself. 

And that makes me angry.

So I refer to those lyrics that are about as sincere and as simple as you can get when it comes to feeling like an outcast.  I don’t really feel any more comfortable with myself as a thirty-something than I did when I was a teenager.  But I knew everything back then, I guess, except for how difficult life would be after years of being just good enough.

I have given up hiding and started to fight

Besides, you do have to admit that it’s a really good song.


About Dena

I'm a suburban Clevelander by way of Oklahoma City, by way of North Florida, by way of Southern Maryland, by way of Upper Michigan, by way of Northern Italy, by way of Lower Michigan, by way of Texas. Because of living in so many places, I have something in common with almost everyone I meet. I love reading, writing, and American history (especially reading or writing about American history). I'm interested in culture of place, historical trauma, and writing about the kinds of histories most people don't know about.
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