the grasshopper isn’t laughing at the underwear joke

Poor Elle. She tried so hard to tell us.  Except everytime she said “under there!”, I would scold her after responding with “under where?!” because I’d fallen for the underwear joke AGAIN!

You do remember the underwear joke, right? 

Kid 1: Hey, what were you eating under there?
Kid 2: Under where?
Kid 1: Eeewwww! You were eating underwear?

And then everyone in class would laugh at me.  Because I always fell for the underwear joke

Anyway, so Elle saw something rather large and disgusting beneath the television cabinet.  She was trying to warn us because she didn’t know if it was dead or alive.  (Ugh, the thought of it still being alive just makes my skin crawl.)

Each spring, our yard is inundated with giant grasshoppers.  They’re black, red, and yellow and giant.  Their babies burrow out of the ground and I tried to kill the babies as they crawled out of the dirt this year but as soon as I sprayed bug killer on them, EVEN MORE JUMPED OUT OF THE GROUND! Imagine those old Jiffy-Pop popcorn commercials in which pieces of popcorn go flying through the air by the hundreds.  Now imagine grasshoppers flying out of the ground by the hundreds and all you’re armed with is a crappy can of bug killer, two lousy flip flops, and a dog who’s more interested in…SQUIRREL!! 

So, poor Elle.  She tried to warn us that one of these giants was in the house.  Possibly alive, more than likely dead. But no doubt GIANT.

I immediately sent a picture of the dead grasshopper to Matt who is based in Oklahoma and not exposed to our freakish Florida wildlife on a daily basis. He seemed genuinely impressed but made a point to call me out on the small-ish banana as a comparison. Agreed, it IS small-ish banana,  but still…a grasshopper should never be nearly the size of a small-ish banana. 

 

It’s late October…how long has he been inside the house?  Ack…skin crawling, SKIN CRAWLING!!

 

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About Dena

I'm a suburban Clevelander by way of Oklahoma City, by way of North Florida, by way of Southern Maryland, by way of Upper Michigan, by way of Northern Italy, by way of Lower Michigan, by way of Texas. Because of living in so many places, I have something in common with almost everyone I meet. I love reading, writing, and American history (especially reading or writing about American history). I'm interested in culture of place, historical trauma, and writing about the kinds of histories most people don't know about.
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4 Responses to the grasshopper isn’t laughing at the underwear joke

  1. ~Matt says:

    I think there is something under there…

  2. Dena says:

    I’m not falling for it THIS time!

  3. Chris says:

    We called those “Georgia Thumpers” when I grew up there.

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